PEOPLE PLEASING AND HOW TO GET OUT OF IT.

• Signs of people pleasing. 
• Why do you please people? 
  • Childhood trauma. 
  • To gain a sense of belonging and acceptance. 
• The dangers of people pleasing. 
• So how do you get out of the rut of people pleasing? 
  • Establish a relationship with God. 
  • Embrace solitude. 
  • Find your identity in Jesus.
  • Heal from childhood trauma. 
  • Cultivate a relationship with the Holy Spirit. 
  • Find a community of authentic people who will encourage you to thrive as your best self and stop people pleasing. 
• Conclusion. 

Have you ever done things you don’t want to do just to be accepted? What is people-pleasing-and-how-to-get-out-of-it, and how can you get out of it? Do you be a people pleaser and want to stop? Do you have a hard time saying no to someone? How many times have you tried to fit in just to be a part of the status quo or the ‘it crowd’? Do you have multiple personalities such that different people know a different aspect of you? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then you might be a people pleaser. And this, my friend, is a sad way to live because you can never become who God created you to be because you want to make everyone happy. 

Definition of a people pleaser.

A person who has an emotional need to please others often at the expense of their need or desires.

Signs of people pleasing.

Flattery. What’s the motive behind every compliment you give? Do you do it genuinely, or is it to gain something from others?

How do you behave around people who, according to society, are doing better than you? Do you bend over backward just to make them happy at your own expense? Is it reciprocated? Are you your authentic self around people who are influential and powerful? Do you like to associate yourself with the who is who for approval? 

How do you respond to disagreements? Are you confident enough to stand on the truth even if it is unpopular? Do you prefer to keep the peace when there are disagreements? Are you confrontational or do you sweep everything under the rug? Do you cower up when people around you argue or even leave when it gets uncomfortable? 

Can you comfortably say no when asked to do something you don’t want to do? Do you have set boundaries that people know they should not cross? Can you stand by your friends when they are discriminated against for doing right by the status quo? Can you correct your friends when they are wrong without feeling guilty afterward? Are you comfortable speaking the truth in a setting where the truth seems to lack? Do people know what boundaries not to cross with you? 

What’s your heart status after hanging out with other people? Do you feel guilty for giving your opinion or wish you had spoken more? 

Why do you please people?

Childhood trauma.

Maybe you went through something as a child that caused you to want to maintain peace by making everyone around you happy. Were you emotionally neglected as a child? Did you witness a lot of physical, verbal, and emotional fights? Did kids in the school pick on you? Maybe you had a lonely childhood. Sometimes the things you go through as a child dictate the person you become. And unless the inner child heals, you will live your entire adult life trying to make up for what you lacked as a child, and this will lead to dysfunctional behaviors. What childhood trauma did you experience that’s affecting the person you are today? 

To gain a sense of belonging and acceptance.

Often when you try to please others at your own expense, it is because you want to feel accepted. You could be lonely and to avoid that feeling, you end up being someone you are not to please others. Have you ever done the wrong thing because you don’t want to be alone? 

Maybe you have become tired of being alone that you will lose some aspects of yourself just to fit in. In what areas have you let go of your real self just to be a part of the status quo? The thing about people-pleasing is that it starts with small compromises here and there. Today, it could be you agreeing to do something you wouldn’t do for acceptance. The next day, it could not stand up for what you know is right because you don’t want to hurt the other person. And before you know it you have gone in so deep that you don’t know how to get out. 

The dangers of people pleasing.

• You deny your authentic self from flourishing. You can never become the person who God created you to be when you are a people pleaser. 
• Leads to you compromising to keep the peace. 
• End up settling for less than God’s best for you. 
• Lose yourself and you become untrustworthy. 
• Deny yourself from building genuine relationships. 
• Leads to idol worship where you value man or position more than you do God. Have idols take the place of God. 

So how do you get out of the rut of people pleasing?

Establish a relationship with God.

Why do I say this? A relationship with God is the only thing that can bring ultimate fulfillment in your life. Do you have a relationship with God? When Adam and Eve sinned, you and I were separated from God, and this created a void. For the void to be filled, Jesus has to be the center of your life. That is why God sent Jesus on the cross to die for your sin. Jesus took the punishment so that you can be reconciled to the father. God loves you regardless. His love for you is unconditional. He will never stop loving you and so there is nothing you can do that will make Him stop loving you. In John 3:16 God says that He loved the world so much that He gave His only begotten Son so that you can receive eternal life.

God did not wait for your perfection so that He can send His son to die for you, He did so while you were still a sinner. So He is the only one who you should aim to please. God’s emotion and heart is not fickle like that of a human being. He will not love you today and hate you tomorrow. He loves you and wants only the best for you. His focus is to see you live your best life as the real you. And not become a slave to the society or the status quo. Today rest in the fact that only God will fulfill you and until you establish a relationship with Him you will always try to please others.

If you are ready to make Jesus your Lord and Savior, take this time to repent and ask Him to forgive your sins. Ask Him to become the Lord and Savior of your life and surrender everything to Him. If you believe in your heart and confess with your mouth that Jesus is your savior and Lord you will be saved. Salvation comes by faith in Jesus. If you said the prayer, congratulations for making the best decision you ever could. Know that heaven is celebrating you today. 

Embrace solitude.

It is okay to be alone. Granted, you were created for a relationship, but if the company is wrong and making you lose the real you then it is better to be alone. You have heard it said that it is better to be alone than in bad company. So do not be afraid of being alone. Use the time to discover who you are and sharpen your skills to become the best version of yourself. Do the things to love doing and always remember that there is power in solitude. 

Find your identity in Jesus.

You do not have to seek the approval of others. Jesus came to give you an identity. And it is that you are a child of God, a royal priesthood, and a co-heir with Him. Just picture that you are not mediocre; you are valuable and dearly loved. So then why would you try to get others to like you by becoming someone you are not? Why would you be okay becoming someone you are not just to get other people to like you? Why would you allow someone to make you feel unworthy when Jesus already validated you? The only validation that matters is from Jesus and not man. Let Jesus be the only one you aim to please and Him alone. 

Heal from childhood trauma.

Until you heal the inner child, you will always try to make up for that by trying to fit in. Identify the behaviors that stem from past trauma and seek help for that. You could start by reading the word of God so as to replace the lies with the truth from God’s word. Journaling could also help you get the junk in your heart so that you can walk in the fullness of who God created you to be. Seek counseling if it gets overwhelming that you can’t handle. 

Cultivate a relationship with the Holy Spirit.

The Holy Spirit is your friend, helper, and confidant. He will always be there for you, so you will never feel alone. Furthermore, He will give you wisdom and discernment to choose the right people and friends. He will also correct you when you go down the path of people-pleasing and lead you back to the right way. And remember that this is a journey and you will not stop pleasing people in a day. It will take time, so allow the Holy Spirit to guide you and help you heal. 

Find a community of authentic people who will encourage you to thrive as your best self and stop people pleasing.

Surround yourself with positive-minded people who stand on the truth and are grounded. This is because they will also help you desire to be your true self and stand for the truth. Limit your interactions with people who want you to compromise your value or those who look down on you and use you. Ask the Holy Spirit for wisdom to know the real from the fake. God can give you the desires of your heart without you having to bend over backward to please others. Be yourself and be patient because, at the right time, God will exalt you. 

Conclusion.

You will never be more loved than you are right now by God. He was and will never hold you up, so there is nothing you can do to let Him down. It doesn’t take a trophy to make Him proud of you. Having this in mind, don’t allow yourself to become a people pleaser or feel like you have to fit in. Be your authentic self and allow your uniqueness to thrive. God never made a mistake with you. And unless you stand for something, you will fall for everything. You are loved and chosen and you do not have to seek the approval of man. God’s validation is the only one that matters.